Its challenging to do nothing.
Yesterday was spent moving from the guest house in the city out to my temporary home away from home a little further out from the general hubbub of Nimmanahaeminda Road (Google it) and a bit closer to nature.
Meetings, packing, moving, running around. Then it was done and I was alone.
It was dead silent most of last night, except for the gentle whining of the mosquitoes and the hypnotic tickticktick of the electric mosquito repellent gadget my host had kindly left for me.
So I had plenty of time to do nothing. Instead I bustled around, checking my super fast internet, flicking through Netflix, Facebook, news sites, job sites, entertainment sites, travel sites, organising my gear, reorganising my gear again, tidying up and generally having a good sticky beak around. I watched a NBC lifestream to see what was going on in the world. Brexit, Nazis, violence. I turned it off fairly quickly. How do I distract myself from myself?
OK lets try to read.
I’m reading a few books at the moment – Both of these are appealing to me for very different reasons.. what I’m carrying around in my bag is ‘Wild’ by Cheryl Strayed (yes that one), and a fascinating title by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D that a friend recommended called “The Body Keeps The Score – Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of trauma”.
The former has really resonated with me lately and has probably had a direct impact on me being where I am right now. The very idea of cutting yourself out of societies picture and undertaking a spirit journey of self appeals to both the explorer and the mild sociopath in me (the compulsive sex, infidelity, and heroin addiction don’t apply). When you hit bottom and claw your way back up again on so many levels. Beautiful. I will do the Pacific Crest trail next year, Spring 2017, after some prep and training of course. Ive experienced some of this stunning country and I need to immerse myself in it completely forever.
The latter explores the effects of violent trauma (PTSD specifically) and how it can severely compromise an individuals capacity for pleasure, love, self control and trust (amongst other things) and further explores possible therapeutic treatments utilising the brains neuroplasticity; like sports, drama, meditation and yoga. Its fascinating and scary and unfortunately/fortunately explains a lot of things that have been bugging me over the years. So many lightbulb moments for me in this book. Looks like I’m on the right track (more on that later, I hardly know you!)
So I read and read and read until I fell asleep with the book falling onto my chest. And it was the best nights sleep I’ve had in ages.
So whats my point? – I have to allow myself to be still. Force myself. To shape this internal monologue rather than just let it control me. To let distractions fall away (no I’m not going to say ‘live in the moment’ or ‘be mindful’ but that’s what it is I guess) To wean myself off this Western notion of always keeping busy and being productive. Activity is my heroin and its a fucker of a withdrawal.
I guess that now I’m settled, at last or the next month, I have time to do nothing, to explore not just this country but myself as well.
And what am I doing right now? Sitting in a vegan cafe called The Larder having a vegetarian breakfast and a coffee – reading my books, staying mindful, and slowing down.
Oh its Jens’s birthday today. Happy Birthday JK! I sent flowers anyway. Birthdays are special.